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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Cycle One: Accelerate! Day 13 - 17 Messa's Motivation

Hi everyone,

As I write every day I am constantly refining my thoughts about what to write in order to be more appealing and encouraging for my readers. I know that realistically I have no readers at the moment, and that the only reason the counter is going up on this blog is because I visit every day to write and edit.

I know that what I write may be boring and ordinary. In case life has escaped the attention of some, realistically every day activity becomes routine and mundane. Life does not have to be boring! Life and it's simple satisfactions are founded on structure and routine. I know that I for one have never in my life, ever said "I am bored".
I don't get bored. There is no reason for a person to be bored and if you are, then you are not doing something right. That is just my opinion and I am unanimous in that! (winky face) What is plain and tedious to one, may be thrilling or exciting to another. 

Here's the deal: We and by we I mean, collectively the human race, are all individuals with beauty and talents. Every one of us does something unique and special that no one else can do and are able to contribute something to society. Whether one is a world class athlete, child prodigy, religious guru or a pauper on the street, we all have to struggle with our own successes and failures. Since I am documenting major weight loss I am doing the best I can to stay motivated using my conscience as a gauge to remain balanced. By recalling my previous failures and yet not completely focussing on them, I can tell if I have succeeded at something. And if I feel like I have done well on my first attempt at something, I always remember too that, I can always make room for improvement on any future endeavours.

I guess the point is to keep going. If I stumble and fall, it is my choice to get up or stay down and wallow in my sadness. Many times I have fought to stay alive. Obviously, I have succeeded because I am here writing now and on an amazing journey with my aunt Irene. However, I was not always in such a good place as I am now and I know all about wallowing in sadness. It was not until I turned 35 that I began to feel happy. Not the kind of happy that makes you roll your eyes and gag. But rather, I feel the kind of happiness that is brought on by an overwhelming feeling of satisfaction with ones place in life. 

When I crunch the numbers, I have spent 85.7% of my life either suicidal, medicated for clinical depression or thinking about death in some form. There have been windows through out my life, the other 14.3%, where I have experienced happiness to the point of euphoria while "suffering" from depression. The queer thing about that is that my true self was shining through the clouds that my brain was using to darken my personality. In turn, I was misdiagnosed with what was formally known as bi-polar disorder. My euphoric moments coupled with severe downers were an indication to psychiatrists that I was having mood swings. This lead to a barrage of more medications that were causing more harm than good - including weight gain. In actuality, my excessive joy was/is my true personality and my natural level of happiness. What was NOT natural was that the older I got, the lower I would sink down into intense depressive episodes.  I used to wake up every day and look at it as a death sentence and then visualize all day about incredibly gory ways to destroy my life. This literally went away completely almost two years to the day that I had a full hysterectomy. No lie. I am now medication free and have not thought about death in months.

YAY, right? Yes. Yay! I am only trying to do the best that I can with what resources I have. I just hope I can be the kind of friend to others that I have had the privilege of being blessed with. If I can happily document the in's and out's of my weight loss program with Irene, I will be very happy. Even if I don't use high faluting, mumbo jumbo words or don't gain an audience, I will be thoroughly satisfied in knowing that I am aiming to succeed. In the process I can be encouraging to Irene and do what I need to do to help others like me. 

Remember, you cannot be assisted unless you tell someone where your problem lies. Even if it's just a small hiccough, spill the beans to someone you trust and find a helping hand to brush the dust off of your knees and lift you back on your feet. You can do it. I know you can. 

Much Love xxooxx

Read tomorrow's blog here: Some Pictures!
Read yesterday's blog here: New Additions!

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