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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Cycle Three: Achieve! Day 11 - Lockout Pt II

Now where was I?

Oh yes, the mental memento!

So why do we have such fond memories of food? Chances are that most of us who are suffering from food addiction have had strong associations to food. As you may or may not have read the preface to The Feed Bags, I indicated that I was raised in cafeteria's, canteens and coffee shops. These regular visits imposed a measure of pleasantries upon my tiny brain. I connected eating out in restaurants with my family and fun times. I also made a correlation between eating out and rewards. If we did something good, we were rewarded with food. And if something bad happened to us, like sickness, we were made to feel better with food. By we, I mean Irene's son Lane and myself. 

KILL ME NOW! Oh man, our parents had the right idea about comforting us, but chose to so with a
time bomb that was slowly ticking it's way to a massive coronary or artery blockage in our young bodies. Granted, hamburgers and ice cream didn't always go to our hips. As kids growing up in the 70's and 80's we had regular physical exercise and maintained an ethical standard of activity that is now completely foreign to kids these days. I remember Lane always biking, pedal and motor cross. He also had friends wherever he lived and was constantly running around to & from, playing everywhere along the way. I remember one time when he frequented the local arcade, Little Beavers, which was 4 blocks from his house. To him it must have seemed like a substantially great distance to walk as a 7 year old. However, when his mother Irene bridged the gap with her car, the house could not be close enough for him to run back to.  I too, had a few bicycles in my time as well as skates for the summer winter. It seemed like every year I was getting a new pair of blades. We were always very active and on the go climbing trees, digging in sandboxes and playing sports at school. The only time we played indoors was if it was too cold or dark to play outside. 

Lane and I both had weight issues growing up, but we were never obese, a term that you hear almost every day on the news, if not on Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz. Kids are so fat these days and are being taken away from their "unfit" parents. Don't even get me started on the SMOKING BABY turned smoking toddler from Indonesia. When Lane hit high school which at the time was grade 8 here in Canada, he trimmed up nicely and grew into his body as most teenagers usually do. I did not get thin, but I was an avid roller blader and swimmer. We were fit and young. Not so much now. But that's par for the course with life and age. No excuses. Just saying.

I ended up locking out my true feelings about myself and shutting down my internal dialogue. I suffered from insomnia at the age of 13 and spiralled downward into depression. I was misdiagnosed as having bi-polar disorder and spent many years taking prescribed anti - depressants, anti - psychotics, sleeping pills and was in and out of psychiatric units for the better part of six years of my life. I hated who I was, I obsessed about dying a thousand deaths and visualized every one through to fruition, even attempting suicide twice when I was 26. Food was not my friend, yet I turned to carbs for comfort. My solace was in sugars, not salads. Then magically in September 2003 I started to lose weight. Within seven months, I lost 127 lbs. Yeah, the weight of a human being. What was I doing that caused the sudden fluctuation in my weight and vaulted me into super skinny mode?

Stay tuned for the answer and also a few of my mental memento's!

Thanks All! MWAH

Read Tomorrow's Blog Here! The Biggest Loser
Read Yesterday's Blog Here! Lockout Pt I

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